One of the many, many ways in which we learn to play the victim is to believe that we cannot change our circumstances — our own and those of the wider world.
Sometimes we feel bound by promises. Sometimes we feel trapped by “the way things are”. And sometimes we simply can’t see how things could be another way. But sometimes, we feel like we couldn’t do what it is that we want to see done in the world — that we are not the right person to say no, or say yes, to stay instead of move, or do whatever the right action or word is out in the world.
I’m feeling the last one particularly these days. I have a growing sense that there is something important for me to offer in service to all life. But, as for many other people, I don’t fully see how I can get away from my obligations… in particular the financial ones.
Fortunately, I also see something different now. It’s just an inkling, but it goes something like this: to be afraid of the future that may come with change — or even with staying the same — is to distrust your ability to handle what comes along, to be adaptable.
As a simple example, I am prone to stocking up on things (physical and virtual), as protection, as a buffer, to what I anticipate may come up in the future. I stock spares of things in my home, for example. Some of these things make sense. But many things were built up in the spirit of “just in case”. And they are all weighing me down now, frankly.
So I have come up with a mini exploration. To see what it means to cope with the unknown, I am simply going to shift to acquiring things as I immediately need them (the food for dinner tonight, the item that I am truly out of stock of). It’s a small thing, but I am interested in observing the habits of my mind and body around the idea of scarcity. How I react, what I see, what I come to understand about myself.
I don’t intend for this exploration to be a “habit” I pressure myself to keep up. There’s plenty of guilt rattling around in my mind, and it doesn’t seem to lead me to feeling alive (or to doing things more in service of all life). This, for me, is simply an inquiry into what happens inside me. To see if perhaps I really do have a choice, and to see if perhaps I really am a bit more adaptable than I thought I was. Maybe you are, too.